What's your excuse?

Immigration, and Integration

I've been quit about the whole immigration issue so far, cause honestly, I'm not clear where I stand on the issue. As a legal immigrant, I had to go through a lot to get to where I am today (permanent resident). It took 3 years, a lot of money, frustration, discrimination, and patience. I was never illegal in the United States, and paid my dues. Okay, I'm not from a third world country, I didn't have to flee The Netherlands to find a better life in the USA, I do have a college degree, I do speak English, and I had a job waiting for me when I arrived. America has been called the Melting Pot for years, and the country is made up out of immigrants. Especially in LA, we have a wide variety of different cultures which makes it such a diverse and great place to live.

Now, can you compare my immigrant story with any other immigrant, legal or illegal story? No, you can't. Like I said before, I don't really know yet where I stand in this recent Immigration issue, but it does sometimes cross my mind if it's fair that decisions are being made by government officials to for example hand every illegal immigrant a CA drivers license, so they can work in CA. It wasn't made this easy for me, because I decided to come here legally.

Now, this morning on my way to work I listened to the radio, and there was a discussion about the Spanish version of the National Anthem. I DO NOT agree with this attempt to, I don't even know what the attempt behind this is. I have nothing against the Latino community or any community for that matter, but I don't know of any Armenian, Korean, Russian, Ethiopian, Chinese, Italian or Dutch version of the American National Anthem. If you do decide to go to a different country to make a better life for yourself, I feel you have to adjust to that countries culture and language out of respect for your new country. I know that there are many Korean Towns, Little Tokyo's, China Town's and what not, and I think that's great, but I believe there is a lot to be said for integration instead of distancing. I think you stimulate discrimination by segregation. Having a English National Anthem made into a different version and language is not helping with integrating different cultures into on big diverse Melting Pot that I'm, as an immigrant I'm proud to be part of.

ANGRY!

What the fuck! I'm so pissed! Had a horrible night in class last night. Can't blame anyone but myself, but I need to blame it on something else. I had the worst stomach pains, but that was just a minor thing. Actually the scene I've started last night made me sick to my stomach, some people in my class make me sick to my stomach, and uhm...am a "little" frustrated with my scene partner. Last Wednesday we received our scene assignment. I called her on Saturday to set up a rehearsal, no response, emailed her on Sunday, no response. On Tuesday I call the class assistant to check if my scene partner was still going to be in class, cause she mentioned last week that she wasn't sure. So, I didn't know what to do with this scene. I read the play, and the scene, and these are the surcomstances: I'm chained up in the fireplace, and she is threatning to set me on fire. Why? Because I tried to rape her. I've planned this, to go over to her place and rape her. I have the hardest time finding him inside me. I tried fighting for my life last night, which ended up in me screaming at her, but I need to taunt her, insult her, mock her, make her feel it was all her fault, all this to have her let me go.

I consider myself a serious actor, and the struggle I'm having with this character is good, cause it will give me a chance to learn to be a character so far from who I am. Back to MIA scene partner: Tuesday around 3pm she finally calls me, leaves no message, so I call her back. Yes, we can rehearse at 6pm, an hour before class on Wednesday. Something is better than nothing. Wednesday afternoon, around 3:30pm she calls me to ask what the name of the scene is that were doing in like... 4 hours! I decided I tell her who the author is to, might help finding it faster! Around 4:30pm, she text me on which page our scene is! what the f#ck! I know I have to focus on my own stuff, but it sure helps if you get a little help from your partner. Now, were doing the scene, all she pretty much has to do is be upset and poke me. So, she cries hysterically, which I give her credits for being able to do, cause 8 weeks ago, when I did another scene with her, she did not allow herself to feel anything on stage. Now I'm being stopped constantly by the teacher, cause I made a wrong choice with my character, and she gets compliments on the good preparation. I just checked out at that point. I was so frustrated, pissed, sick to my stomach, and on top of it all, at the end, I get to hear that my accent was the worst he ever heard it!

Now, how to move on. The frustration towards her will help me, cause I need to hate her in this scene. That's why I planned on raping her, cause she provoked it. Still, I need to go somewhere to become Raul, but I'm not sure how. Any tips, suggestions are more than appreciated. Maybe movies I should watch that have a fucked up character like Raul? I need to stop, cause I'm getting all red again thinking about last night. Find my zen place...

being recognized on the streets of Beverly Hills

Yesterday afternoon I was all dressed up nice, business casual, for an audition on Brighton Way in Beverly Hills for a independent pilot. After the audition I walked back to Canon to the parking garage, when this older lady (I would say in her mid seventies) passes me and yells as she turns around:

Old Lady: "I know you! You're that dancer!"

Me: "Uhmm, I'm not a dancer."

Old Lady: "That dancer who won!"

Me: "No, that's not me"

We exchanged smiles, and moved on in opposite directions. Now, I have never seen "Dancing with the Stars", but it was hard to miss who won, and I'm really NOT happy that some lady thinks I look like Drew Lachey! Compare:

   

Good things out of bad things

At least one thing good came out of watching a not so good movie, Prime: introduction to the work of Mark Rothko (well, and Bryan Greenberg's perfect hair). The movie was pretty bad, and even Meryl Streep's hilarious performance couldn't save the movie for me.

Even though the painting in the movie looks like a Rothko piece, apparently it's not, but I like the following pieces a lot:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNE!

Big Happy Birthday shout out to my friend Anne! She's one year younger then I am, and I'm sorry I can't be there in Brussels right now to celebrate with you! In two months we'll be there to toast with you to another year of love, happiness and other good things!

Love you!

Awareness

A discussion with a couple of friends a couple of nights ago, really made me thinking about how far you can go to find something worth boycotting a store or company. I'm a strong believer in being aware of what a company represents, and make your decisions to go there accordingly, but where do you stop? Where can I still go? And how do I know for sure that other big cooperation's aren't as bad or worse as Wal-Mart? Everyone knows Wal-Mart has been doing inappropriate things to it's employees. Knowing this, should I never set a foot in a Wal-Mart store again? If every American will do the same (which will be hard in the Mid West, because sometimes all they have is a Wal-Mart), can we get back at Wal-Mart? But where would all those employees working for Wal-Mart go? Should I instead of going to Wal-Mart drive the extra mile to go to a better company like Target? But doesn't that harm the environment, using more gas. Oh, and wait, remember the Holiday season 2004, when Target banned Salvation Army volunteers to stand in front of their stores? So no Target either, right?

I used to love my Starbucks coffee! Until I was told I was supporting the rain forest to be destroyed in South America, because Starbucks needs the land to get the beans. They did not really care if they were environmentally friendly, but they are changing. I like my coffee better from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. But wait, chains are putting local mom & pop shops out of business, so I shouldn't at all go to a chain place to get my coffee. Luckily I get my coffee at Trader Joe's, and make it at home. Wait, Trader Joe's and Whole Foods are selling farmed Salmon, which is not good, right? Whole Foods is at least all organic, and a honest place to go to. What in could be wrong with such a great store? What if they don't want a Union for their employees, that's not so bad, is it?

Call me a ignorant, or a stupid brainless consumerist, but I don't mind getting a coffee from Starbucks once in a while. Hey, they provide benefits for employees not even working 20 hours a week! That's great! Yeah, Wal-Mart is bad, no questions about it, so I'm a horrible person wearing their cheap white sport socks and white t-shirts. The t-shirts are cheap so I can spend more money on my cargo pants from Abercrombie & Fitch. Oh, wait, can't shop their anymore, because they mostly feature pure white american pretty boys and girls in their advertisement, so that's rasists. Don't wanna support that. Hmm, I'm driving a VW, which stands for Volkswagen, German for car of the people. Didn't VW support the Nazi's? Don't get your gas from Shell, cause they did business with South Africa during the apartheid in the 1980s. And they are pretty expensive too. You know what Home Depot did? They stopped investing in more environmentally ceiling fans, because it was to expensive for them. So no more Home Depot, I guess. Wait a minute, my roommate is a Republican! Is living with him considered "second hand" supporting Bush, and his government?

Were can I go? What can I buy? I don't know. I wanna be good, but what am I to do? How far do you go?

I agree that being aware of a companies misconduct should make you think twice before going there again, but once again, how far do you go? Where do you draw the line. If you really look under each rock, will you find something wrong with each company? Don't get me wrong, I do not agree with any of the above mentioned actions by the companies mentioned. It's just so hard to be politically correct. The best thing about all these facts surfacing is that they are addresses, and hopefully will be corrected, so that no employee will be locked in at night at a Wal-Mart store, and that the strawberry pickers who work for Whole Foods have better work conditions and higher wages.

Tired. Actually, more like exhausted,

Comes out of nowhere,

Wish it would leave as fast as it appears,

Out of nowhere.

Just when I thought I found the right weapon to fight it,

It shows up it's ugly face again.

More, and more, For no reason,

Out of nowhere, not just a bad day, I wish it was,

Luckily the color is blue, which makes me look good,

I know I'll pull through

What to do?

I know, I don't post for a week, and now I just can't stop! we were very busy at work for a deadline for Wednesday, so now things have calmed down a little.

This morning on my way home after hiking Runyon Canyon with Sierra, I witnessed a homeless, mentally challenged man doing a number 2 on the side of Santa Monica Blvd and Almond, right at a bus stop, just when a bus stopped there.

I was really upset by this sight. What brought this man to this point in his life? He must have been loved once, at least when he was born, someone held him in their arms and looked at him with love. Or maybe not. Maybe he was never wanted, never loved, and never cared for. Where did he grow up? Does he have any family members left? Do they know he's living on the streets? What goes on in his mind? Could he be intensely happy living outside with the only things to worry about his food, and where to spend the night?

I must admit, that I have become pretty emotionless to seeing homeless people. When I lived in South America, there were so many, and I started giving money or even food, but at some point I just had to stop. There were so many, and to be honest, by giving them what they beg for, I don't think you're really helping them, cause it just keeps them going with that way of living, instead of trying to change their lives. About two years ago, I tried to help a homeless guy I met every day when I walked to work at 6:15am on the corner of Highland and Franklin. That totally went wrong, and didn't do him any good, and gave me a lot to deal with, financially, and emotionally.

I don't know what to do, and it's kind of sad that the homeless have become just an accepted part of life.

Hardstuff

Last night my scene partner and I performed the One Act "Hardstuff" for the last time in our acting class. The final performance (we work on each scene for about 3 to 4 weeks) is always taped, which for some class mates adds more stress.

We had rehearsed this scene several times, but due to the content, we were never able to go for a 100% full emotional experience. The story in short:

My best friend and I are and a cabin where we always go for hunting. Not this time. My best friend confronts me with the affair I'm having with his wife for the last six months. I lie myself through it until he pulls out a gun, and threatens to kill me. After I confess, because the gun is pressed against my forehead, my best friend drops the gun, and tells me it's not loaded. I apologize, and we seem to be fine. He asks me to pour us some whiskey which I do. After I down my whiskey, he tells me that he poisoned the whiskey. While I'm dying form the poison, he tells me in detail how he is going to make it look like a suicide, and then slowly I drop my glass and die.

Well, okay, maybe that wasn't that short. With the gun involved, it's just hard rehearsing yelling "put that gun down". Neighbors might call the police. Anyway, my dying moment was really intense last night. I felt tears roll over my cheek, when slowly I took my last breaths. Then my scene partner has some last moments, so I actually sit there for several minutes with my eyes with open, trying to stay as still as possible. When the scene was over, I was a emotional mess. My arms and hands had a tingling feeling, I could hardly speak, and all I wanted to do was break down in tears. It took me about 20 minutes to regain myself. I guess the mind really is a powerful thing, and you can really imagine yourself to be anything, even death. Try to really pretend to be drunk, and you'll notice you actually start to think, feel, and believe you're really drunk. When I took in that my best friend really poisoned the whiskey, and let myself be taken over by the poison, it was like I was really slipping away. I felt empty, destroyed, done...death.

Luckily I was only "living truthfully under imaginary circumstances", but it was intense...

Nice art work Google!

Anyone else impressed by Google's Miro style logo today?

Another Beautifull Day

Thursday it's was beautiful! Friday it was raining, Saturday it was cloudy, Sunday was beautiful again, and today seems to be another beautiful day in LA! When hiking this morning with Sierra, and the views were awesoem again!

Have nothing really exciting to report. It was a nice weekend. Started with having friends over for dinner Friday night, with Thai food delivered. On Saturday it was hiking Runyon Canyon, and off the see Friends with Money (so, so, not really that exciting). After the movie Peter and I walked from the Arclight Theater to Los Balcones de Peru, on Delongpre and Vine. I was very excited just reading the menu. The appetizer I ordered was not really how I was used to it, but still good. My Lomo Saltado was excellent though! I did not realize that Peruvian food is a lot of meat, and where I lived, Cusco, you didn't really wanted to eat lots of fish, because it was so high up in the Andes, it had to come a long way. Except for the Trucha, which came form the rivers, but they didn't have this on the menu. The only thing I could advice Peter was the beer: Cusquena, and Cristal! I couldn't drink, have 3 more weeks of not drinking to go.

On Sunday I first played tennis with Rye, and then went hiking again For dinner I made Dutch-Indonesian food (don't be impressed, came from a box) for Peter. Nothing this weekend had anything to do with Easter, which was fine. Now, it's off to work!

Punishment

This week I decided to quit two things. One just for a month, and one for as long as I can.

Tuesday night I drank a little too much to have driven home. Very irresponsible, and I'm now punishing myself by not drinking for one month. Will be good for many reasons: medication, weight loss, my liver...

The second thing is that I will not be on my cell phone while driving anymore, unless it's an emergency. Every time I get frustrated by bad drivers in front of me, I notice they are on their phone when I pass them. It's commonly known that it's not safe, and in The Netherlands it's against to law to drive and be on your cell phone.

So, that's it. Was busy at work this morning, but it's almost 1pm, and I can go home to have a long Easter Weekend! Happy Easter! Vrolijk Pasen!

Picture Day

I guess these are the ones (not in particular order) which hopefully get me work:

Few people seem to like the suit or the sweater (I have to soften or change the color of the collar), but they do put in a different type to cast

My agent likes these last two, but others, including myself like the similar ones above.

Okay, no more pictures today, I promise!

 

Wednesday April 12th in pictures

9am Breakfast! So happy I don't start work till 10am, cause had a little too much to drink the night before. Checking out Chad's blog, and that reminded me to get my camera out for the day

9:15am Sierra's morning walk. Such a beautiful, warm day in LA!

9:55pm On my way to work

10:05pm They call me Mr. Post-It!

11am Again, just missed it by 5 numbers!

1:30pm Drove home during lunch to walk Sierra, who made a new friend

1:50pm Before heading back to the office, a quick stop at Famima, to get some 4x6 of my new headshots. Love that self service machine!

5:05pm Tedious data input on the website. Had to pick my head up from the keyboard many times

5:45pm At a red light, two red cars in front of me (not in picture), one red car next to me, and as I take the pic, one red car driving by

9:35pm My acting class on break. This is where I spend 4 hours every Wednesday night, studying to be a better actor

Time I got in my car to drive home. Class went over

12:30am Exhausted, but finally in bed. I actually was locked out of my apartment when I got home around midnight, so after ringing the doorbell 3x, my room mate finally opened the door. I already prepared myself mentally to sleep in the car (I left my cell phone at the office, so couldn't call)

Bonus 13th, the red jacket I wore on the 12th:

"I did point out in the middle of the mixer that we (Whisperer, Myself and The 17th Man had the best Feng Shui of the group. See, there were a bunch of pretty twinks that were REALLY clique-y (Like giving you high school DOWN, probably because they just got OUT of high school) with their backs toward everyone not being very social, while we were in a semi-circle open to meeting/receiving the new people as they entered the bar, but whatever:
They're 12 years old and don't remember when you shopped off the revolving set on Wheel of Fortune or when you would hold your tape recorder up to the radio to record the newest song, so fuck them."

This is what a fellow LA blogger wrote about me and my friends when we attended a very well organized event last Friday by Jason. I was really excited to meet Jason, whom I had never met before, because we always seem to miss each other at O-Bar. When I saw him, I right away gave him a hug, because through reading each others blogs, and emailing once in a while I feel like I know him already. I also ran into Robert, who I had worked with at Sunset junction last year. We didn't stay to long cause "my clique-y group" did not eat yet, are all pretty broke, so we ended up at Julio's on Sunset for some cheap food. Oh, wait, I was going write about that comment above.

Not that I have to defend myself, but I will state the following just to make the comment above even more ridiculous. Soon after I met Fishering, I met some other people who fast became some of my best friends. In some way they all met through friends, and through writing blogs, which I had no clue what that was (remind you, I'm Dutch; I thought it was something that nerds and geeks did). One of Fishering's friends I had already met through a mutual friend. Now, yes, we do all blog, we are all good friends, so yes, we hang out, and do things together. "Our group" keeps on extending, because we are all very social, outgoing, and always open to meet new people, who have the same attitude (outgoing, social, open minded). Apparently, that comment was made by someone who must be very insecure, shy, and scared of meeting people.

When I saw his blog today, I did not recognize his picture, had never read his blog, and feel really, really bad that I missed him Friday night. Especially because he was part of the meeting/receiving committee, which I did not know was there. You know, I'm 12 and all, and I think that's the age you enter high school, and not leave high school, so it was kinda my first time at an event like this, so I don't know how it works. I could have used some friendly people greeting me, and telling me that everything was going to be alright, that I was not aloud to stand in a circle, had to introduce myself to everyone by going around the bar and shaking hands, especially to the people who are not so social and stand a little towards the back, because no one wants to feel excluded. Such a bummer I missed him! And you know what? I sooooo said next to the television (not radio) with my tape recorder to tape my favorite new song when I was young. Gosh, he did get something right!

How to get to my blog...

Just Google "excuses to get guys at bars to stop talking to me"... Today someone did that, and came to my blog. I wish I had those excuses, because it's driving me nuts!

Which one to choose?

405! That's the number of digital pictures I have of my headshot shoot yesterday. I already made a selection of 54 possible good shots which I send of to my agent to pick from (and some of my friends), because one thing I've learned is that an actor should not pick his own headshots. Here's a preview:

Summer? Or Not?

Saturday was just the most beautiful day ever! Clear skies (unique for LA), a little breeze, about 75 I would guess, great to play tennis, which Rye and I did. Now today started out overcast, but the sun is coming through and it's sizzling hot when it does! But I think more rain is coming our way the next couple of days...

Friday night got off a rough start. I was driving over to Peter's to meet up with some fellow friends (and bloggers) to walk over to ICandy. On Fountain and Sweetzer a accident had just occurred, and the car in front of me (the car right after the 3 car collision) felt it necessary to start honking. The driver in the car in front of him jump out of his car, ran over to the honking driver, opened his door, dragged him out and they started fighting, and hitting each other. I was able to squeeze my modest size VW Golf past this horrible seen which could be used for Crash II. After looking for parking for about 15 minutes, my good mood was totally gone when I finally arrived. Luckily my friends (and alcohol) were able to chance my mood. Btw, that night I had a dream in which I was involved in a similar road rage situation, where I got into a fist fight with two lesbians who had no patience driving behind me in a deserted parking lot (no, you perverts, this was not some sexual/pornographic dream!).

This morning I had my headshots taken, and I feel good about the shoot. In about 30 minutes I'm going to pick up the disc, so maybe later today, I give a preview of my new shots. Friday night I practiced my looks a little, and so was Peter:)

 

Too personal?

I have posted many personal things on my blog since I started a year ago. I'm an open book, I don't mind people knowing my deepest and most emotional thoughts, joys and problems. I've posted about my depression, my career, my feelings, my anti-depressives, pretty much everything I go through I feel I can post about.

Last week my family went through hell over health problems of my uncle, and it's been the most difficult thing to deal with since I moved here 6 years ago, standing on the side line, thousands of miles away, waiting for emails with news, calling, and just feeling helpless. This week things turned worse for my uncle, but now it seems he's doing a little better. The reason why I'm not going into details on his condition is that it's to painful, too personal, too close to me, and honestly, too private.

I was bale to email a letter home, and it was delivered to my uncle. That's the only thing I could do for now. I don't know his reaction to it yet, but hopefully it will do him good.

Don't take your health, physically and mentally for granted, cause life can throw you some unexpected curve balls.

LA after the rain

It rained for 2 days (yeah, I know, horrible isn't it, 2 days!), and the morning after the rain, is always the most beautiful day in LA. I think this is it for the rain, so in about a month, the hills won't be green no more. I got up at 7am, drove to Runyon with Sierra, and hiked for little over an hour, and this is what it looked like:

My work out hill. On the pic on the left you see the regular path below, but I take the top hill route. Sierra doesn't like it much...

Nice beginning of the day!

New headshots

It's the most obvious thing to hear when you sign with a new agent: "you need new headshots!" At first she didn't think I needed new shots, but online, the pictures are too far away, and she wants some close ups of my face so casting directors online can see my face better.

So, on Sunday I'm having new headshots taken. I was already trying to get in shape, but now I'm really working my ass of to feel "pretty" for Sundays shoot. Today is the only day I'm not working out, because I'm working all day, and have class after work, but I have been getting up early to go hiking or go to the gym. I'm eating less, and the things I eat are healthy. In the last 5 weeks I already lost 12 pounds, and my goal is to loose about 6 more (not by Sunday, but just whenever). I'm working on getting in the shape I was 2 years ago, while working on this student film:

Okay, time for lunch: cucumber slices!

DREAMZ

I wanted to share a dream I had last week. Thursday night I dreamed that in was in Many, the Peruvian jungle, my favorite place on earth, at the Pantiacolla Lodge. I was in one of the cabins, chillin' on a bed with Nicole Kidman. She was showing me her engagement ring and we were chatting about her love. She pointed me to were he was, across the field entering the dinning room/recreation area. I just thought it was very weird.

Last week was not the best week for me. Still I'm happy with the way I dealt with everything that happened. Yes, especially the situation with my family upsets me, but I've been able to find diversion, and just not to think about it by concentrating on work, friends, and doing fun stuff with Peter. I had some insurance issues which I'm sure will be resolved soon, and my theatrical agent will now also represent me commercially. I stopped by my old Agent on Friday so I made him uncomfortable by letting him tell me to my face why he wanted to discontinue our relationship. He also called the client while I was there to go after the payment he's still owes me. I'm done with it, and looking forward to a new start, new agent, which I'm positive will bring lots of new opportunities. I will soon have new headshot taken, maybe even this weekend.

On Sunday I spoke to several of my family members about my uncles condition, and it made me more hopeful about him now being at a place where he can get all the help he needs to get better, and hopefully back to his old self soon.

So, this is a new week! A new month! I already love the daylight saving! this morning I got up at 6:45am like I did on Friday as well, and took Sierra hiking up on Runyon Canyon. It was beautiful this morning, blue sky, nice views. Looking outside now, I think I see the beginning of this new "storm" that suppose to be over LA for the next 3 days. Will see. Thanks to you people who wished me well with my family situation, and to those who congratulated me on my 1 year anniversary!