What's your excuse?

2005-2006

I already reflected on 2005 a couple of posts ago, so I won't do it again. It's the last day of the year, a beautiful new year is about to begin, but...if you think about it, tomorrow is just another day, so it's not that special.

This last day of the year used to be the day I would beat myself up for another year gone by alone, another year gone by without having had the courage to end it all... I'm so happy, blessed, or whatever you wanna call it that i do not think like that anymore! I am still struggling with depression, and, so Dr. Tom Cruise, finding the right medication to help me with this struggle. 2005 Was a year where I was up and down, sometimes within minutes, but I have a lot of support from P, V, doctors, friends, and strangers, but most of all I believe in myself that 2006 will be better regarding my depression. I have everything going my way, and I appreciate it all, and know how lucky I am to have it all and realizing it.

But most importantly, tonight at midnight, for the second year in a row, I'm going to kiss P, the most amazing person in my life. Life can't can't any better. And if I'm lucky, it will be a kiss in the pouring rain like one of those sleazy kisses in all romantic movies... Ahhh, can't wait. Is it midnight yet?

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Nice relaxing Thursday

This post is mainly here to show you the best picture taken of P ever! Very relaxing day, quite morning, audition, and then with P to the LACMA. We're having dinner at Le Petit Bistro, but don't tell him yet, it's a surprise!

Never grow attached to things!

I'm not interested in material things. Honestly, I couldn't care less about cars, electronic equipment (oh, wait, except my IPod) or pretty much anything. Except for one thing: my glasses. I bought them about 7 years ago in Singapore. They are real Emperio Armani, and they looked really good on me.

So, you can imagine how heartbroken I felt, when I just got home and found them on my floor, next to my bed, glasses broken and shattered all over the floor and my bed, and the frame broken and chewed on. Sierra looked at me as if nothing had happened, but I'm devastated! I'm mad at her, but more so at myself, for not storing them at a saver place where she could not have gotten to them.

How will I ever find the same glasses again for the same cheap Singapore price? And my insurance only allows for glasses/contacts once every two years, which will be a year from now, and oh, wait...I'm out of a job!

I miss my glasses!

My Christmas

I'm Dutch so today, the 26th, is the second Christmas Day for me. After very nice weather in LA for a couple of weeks, today it's raining.

A couple of pictures to share of how my Christmas was so far:

Friday the 23rd

Goodbye to of a very important part of my life, The Shoah Foundation, and hello to a new beginning...

 

Happy Holidays everyone!

a few words

Oh the time will come up When the winds will stop And the breeze will cease to be breathin'. Like the stillness in the wind 'Fore the hurricane begins, The hour when the ship comes in. Oh the seas will split And the ship will hit And the sands on the shoreline will be shaking. Then the tide will sound And the wind will pound And the morning will be breaking. Oh the fishes will laugh As they swim out of the path And the seagulls they'll be smiling. And the rocks on the sand Will proudly stand, The hour that the ship comes in. And the words that are used For to get the ship confused Will not be understood as they're spoken. For the chains of the sea Will have busted in the night And will be buried at the bottom of the ocean. A song will lift As the mainsail shifts And the boat drifts on to the shoreline. And the sun will respect Every face on the deck, The hour that the ship comes in. Then the sands will roll Out a carpet of gold For your weary toes to be a-touchin'. And the ship's wise men Will remind you once again That the whole wide world is watchin'. Oh the foes will rise With the sleep still in their eyes And they'll jerk from their beds and think they're dreamin'. But they'll pinch themselves and squeal And know that it's for real, The hour when the ship comes in. Then they'll raise their hands, Sayin' we'll meet all your demands, But we'll shout from the bow your days are numbered. And like Pharaoh's tribe, They'll be drownded in the tide, And like Goliath, they'll be conquered.   Bob Dylan Copyright © 1963; renewed 1991 Special Rider Music 

Psychological Reactions to cataloguing Shoah testimonies

In hearing these stories- the survivors of the Shoah, I feel the ghosts of those that haven’t survived around me. I feel as though, I myself, have been through the Shoah; the humiliation, the harassment, the death all around, the social disconnect, humanity being stripped away from me. I think of these survivors and how could they go on living with all the ghosts that followed them their families their friends …and even those whom they did not know but saw dying or executed. If six million Jews died in the Holocaust, How many follow each survivor? How many follow the children and grandchildren of each survivor? How many follow us – those who listen to the stories and absorb some of the shame? -Michal Bruck Yanai

Emotional

I'm finally lost it. At one of the last days of working for the Shoah Foundation, I became victim to all the suffering I listened to for 2 years. The Shoah Foundation is over. Movers are all around us packing stuff up, everyone is sending out emotional e-mails with their contact information, I'm working on my last testimony as I type this, and in 45 minutes, I will have completed my last testimony. Two days ago, my breakdown started. I came home, and realized it's coming to an end. I became anxious and lost it. I don't want to stop cataloging. We're not done. There are still about 2,000 testimonies untouched... I can do more, I need to do more...these stories need to be made available, these Holocaust survivors stories need to be shared with the world! Yes, I came to the Foundation to catalogue the Dutch testimonies, and this task is completed. I was offered to stay on to work on the German and English ones, and I did. I wanted my job to be over, because I couldn't take it anymore. Now, I don't want it to end. I feel we're not done yet. I will miss the people I work with, the international potlucks, everything. I will post two more post today about this emotional goodbye, two poems send by co-workers this morning. I will end this post with a sentence which is part of the mission statement of the Shoah Foundation.
"To eliminate prejudice, intolerance, and bigotry and the suffering they cause€."

Nip/Tuck

I can not put it into words better then my friend Chad did, so  here's the link to his reaction to last nights season finale of what once was the best show on television.

I survived...

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to go for a ride with my co workers Xerxes and Yelena. We went up a hill, and all of the sudden we saw smoke reaching above the trees. before we knew it, we were witness of a horrible accident, which must have happened just minutes before:
I looked for survivors, but there was no one to be found. Tried to call 911, but phones were not working...

We decided to quickly drive away from the site, because it was getting dark and we needed to find a place to stay. We ran into this run down motel, and I wanted to have a picture taken in fron of the motel, so I did:
You can imagine the shock we got when we saw the picture and notices someone watching me...

Yelena and Xerxes noticed the trunk of a car left open:
we screamed like three little girls when we discovered what was in the trunk...

aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Scarier then the Nip/Tuck finale!

We ran back to our Golf Cart, almost run over by a tram full of tourist...
Ah, I'm going to miss the back lot...

I know...I'm a dork!

R.I.P. Groeg, welcome setthebarlow

He's back!

Some things are just so difficult to believe...

I read  this article yesterday, and today I decided to post it. I still can not believe how a "aliens" scienfiction writer, was able to "create" a "religion". It just shows you once more how questionable religions can be... No offense

Counting the days

After today, there will be four more days of driving down Barham to enter the Universal Studios, and park my car at Muddy Waters parking lot, to go to work at The Shoah Foundation. My two years working for this non-profit "Steven Spielberg" project has come to an end. A great part of my life will go onto the resume as past experience, instead of current. I have listened and catalogued about 1000 testimonies in English, German and Dutch (Flemish is more dialect then a language). One thousand testimonies ranging from 25 minutes to 8 hours each. That means thousands of hours of Holocaust stories. It's been an honor and a privileged to be part of this, not only for the good cause to humanity, but also for all the privileges this job gave me. It paid well, great co-workers, many days off, but most of all, very flexible. I am glad it's over because it was not only a difficult job because of the content, but also because of the monotomous daily routine of putting on my headphones, and listen all day long to people talking. It took all the energy out of me, and at the end of the day, I was not really looking forward to talk to friends, or to be active. This extraordinary job had has its effects on my life, but I've been very lucky not having any mental problems caused by this work (and believe me, I have enough mental problems to deal with without any Holocaust nightmares). I just had a meeting where we were explained how to file for unemployment (we are being layed off, so we have this benefit), which I will be doing soon. So with the unemployment and the very generous severance pay package, I will be able to focus on acting for a couple of months without having to worry about having a full time day job. So, we will be cataloguing till Thursday morning, Thursday afternoon and Friday will be to clear our desk, and say our goodbyes. Everyone is leaving, so it will be an emotional week. Let's toast on saying goodbye to the old, and to welcome the unknown future ahead as a committed actor!

Teaser

I just watched the teaser trailer fro The Da Vinci Code: boring trailer! I just started reading the book this week (I know, where have I been the last couple of years, right?), and like it so far.
I must say, I really like Ron Howard films. Backdraft is still one of my favorite films ever, and last night I saw Cinderella Man, and was pleasently surprised. It's a real feel good movie, and I really needed to feel good!
I'm changing my Best Supporting Actor to Paul Giamatti...

Golden Globes

The nominations were announced this morning, and Brokeback Mountain received 7 nominations! I'm happy that this movie is getting so much attention. But...I didn't really enjoy the movie that much. This is what I wrote to my friend Timm after I saw it:

"I won't beat around the bush, but the all gay audience was my first dissapointment. It made me realize that this movie has a selective audience, and will have a hard time finding an appeal with the main stream.
Now, let's start with Jake. I know you love him, but from the first minute he appears on the screen, I couldn't really believe him. Overall, I think he did a good job, but I was not blown away by his performance. Then Heath. Yeah, he was good at playing a tortured man, but found it a little one sided. I loved the scenes when they get together after 4 years, the joy, and the passion, but in the scenes toward the end, when they are at Brokeback for the last time, I wasn't that moved. That was my whole feeling: I wasn't moved by their characters and the story. I teared up once, and that leads me to my biggests plus point of the movie: Michelle Williams! The scene when she sees them together, you see in her eyes and beahviour her world falling down. When she is holding the baby, and he gives her a quick kiss goodbye, she breaks down, and that was the only real feeling I had with any of the characters. Now, here also comes the gay audience into play. Especially Peter had a difficult time with the audience, because they were there for one reason: to see a gay love story. Whenever something serious happened, like the scenes with Michelle, when he leaves her standing all alone, and runs of with Jack, the audience would laugh, almost clap. This is a story of people hurting and lives being affected by a "impossible" love connection between two men, not being able to live the life they want and need, and by trying to be "normal", they hurt others.
I don't know. I had really high expectations, but I really believe this film gets the buzz from the topic and not neccessarily from the movie itself. Now, the morning after, I must say, I still have the film and the topic on my mind, which is a good thing, so don't get me wrong, I certainly didn't hate it, but I was not being drawn into the story, because honestly, I didn't feel for the characters, especially not for Jack, who seemed to have no respect what so ever for Michelle or Anne's character. I should see it again on DVD when it comes out."

Okay, I said it! I know I'm a horrible person for not liking it as much as everyone else, but that's what I love about movies, books, everything: people have different opinions. I'm ready to be under attack. Bring it on!

Best of 2005

It's only mid December, but time can sneak up on ya, so I'll make a little "Best of 2005" according to me list now! Feel free to argue or agree with me.

Music

Best New Rock Group: Carpark North
Best New Artist: Madeleine Peyroux, Griffin House, James Blunt

Best Groups: Coldplay, Keane

Best Pop: Confessions on the Dance floor, Madonna

Best Soundtrack: Good Night, and Good Luck, Dianna Reeves

Best Song: Advertising Space, Robbie Williams, Hung Up, Madonna

Best Live Performance: Keane at The Greek (and honorable mention: Rachael Yamagata at Amoeba, and outside the Hotel Cafe)

Television

Best New Show: Kitchen Confidential

Best Reality Show: The Amazing Race 7

Best Show Only Discovered This Year: Alias

Best Drama: Nip/Tuck (except for the season finale, and now I'm done with this show)

Movies

Best Entertaining Movie: King Kong (also Batman Begins)

Best Comedy: 40 Year Old Virgin, Casanova

Best Drama: Syriana, Munich(worth mentioning: Good Night and Good Luck, Crash, Capote, Cinderella Man)

Best Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Capote)

Best Actress: haven't been impressed so far, but if i would have to pick someone, based on what I have seen it would Joan Allen (The Upside of Anger)

Best Supporting Actor: Paul Giamatti (Matt Damon, Syriana)

Best Supporting Actress: Michelle Williams (Brokeback Mountain)

Best Documentary: Mad Hot Ballroom (also Murderball, Born Into Brothels)

Worst Movie: Kingdom of Heaven, Sahara, Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Biggest disappointment: The Squid & the Whale, Brokeback Mountain, The History of Violence

Personal

Proudest Accomplishment: SAG Eligible

Best Professionally: completing work at The Shoah Foundation

Most Thankful for: Peter, and the most supporting friends ever (you know who you are, in The Netherlands and here in LA)

Worst Moment: waiting for the MRI brain results, MRI back results, Marion True's "resignation", Patrick Kenney's passing, medication

In the News

Worst Moment: Government response to Hurricane Katrina, continuing genocide in Darfur

Saddest Thing: War in Iraq, Darfur

Most Positive Moment: some attention to Darfur

That's it for now. I'll probably come back later on this post with additions, and changes. Coming up: what to look foward to in 2006 (little peak: Bird Flu, Global Warming, ignoring giving attention to AIDS, and Darfur)

Why we live here

The Midwest, and the the East are suffering with snow storm, temperatures below zero and rain: it's good to live in LA!

Dutchimport goes to court

This is actually a "part 2", because the first year I was here in LA (in 2000), I went to court too, to contest a $270 for not reaching a complete stop (but a "californian roll"), before turning right at a red light. I paid that ticket (thank God for credit cards), went to court, officer didn't show, case dismissed, and I got my $270 back!
CUT TO: September 2005
On my way back from a doctors appointment on Oakhurst and Wilshire in Beverly Hills, I took back Palm Dr north, like I had done for the past year, to go back home. I arrive at Palm and Burton Way, cross the east bound lanes, stop at the stop sign in the middle, and then cross the west bound lanes. To my surprise, seconds later, a cop pulled me over and gave me a ticket for going straight on Palm, ignoring the "right turn only sign from 7am to 7pm". "Uhmm, what sign???" Apparently, the sign was put up not that long ago after residents on Palm Dr asked for it (my own freaking "neighbors"!). I was just flabbergasted, took the ticket and went home. $145!!! F#ck that, I thought, and decided to contest it again. The end of October I went to court (with the support of my friends Maaike and Pieter), and we had a blast, experiencing and laughing at the American court system. I only had to go up to the Judge, plead not guilty, pay my fine, and schedule my trial date.
CUT TO TUESDAY DECEMBER 6TH:
At 8:30am I had to be in court. The clerk tried to organize everything, and she was very clear to me, but about 75% of the people in the court room did not understand, or just wanted to argue. I sat there, eagerly awaiting the cops to enter as witnesses, and my cop didn't show...till last minute!
I knew then that my case was lost, cause the Judge will always rule in favor of the cop. Also, it was not the same lenient Judge like the Judge in October (she lowered every ones fines, and was a push over). The Judge on Tuesday was a assigned replacement, an attorney. I got the option to put away with the trial, to receive the traffic school benefits, but just for the experience, the fun, and the heck of it, I decided to proceed with trial.
The case before me was the same issue as mine. This lady lived in Beverly Hills for 20 years, and had the same argument as mine: YOU CAN'T JUST PUT SIGNS UP OUT OF NOW WHERE, AND THEN GIVE PEOPLE TICKETS INSTEAD OF A WARNING FIRST, YOU MOTHERF#CKERS!!!! She was found guilty. My turn. I walk up, my officer states his case, I very politely state mine, and the judge ruled...GUILTY! But, because of the circumstances, he did grant me (and the lady before me) traffic school, which he said he never does after someone goes on trial. WELL...THANK YOU VERY MUCH AS#HOLE! So, not only would I not receive my $145 back, but I had to pay another $39 to attend 8 hours of traffic school so my insurance would not go up! MOTHERF#CKERS!
You might be wondering why I'm cursing so much, and there's actually no good reason. I felt not so bad about losing, because I already paid the money, and had nothing to loose. I won 5 years ago, so, hey, oh well.
Now, something interesting I noticed in court. Of all the cases that morning, there might have been only 20% of them who were "fully" American. Many present did not speak English, and that's why everything took so long. It also gave room for many, many funny situations (note: anyone interested in writing a sitcom pilot: contest a traffic ticket, and go to trial!)! It made me think of something I believe Peter told me once, a little while back. Back story. About a year back, I responded to one of those "scam" advertisement things, and completed a couple of "great offers from partners to receive a FREE laptop!". It took months, some money to complete the offers, lots of e-mails, calls , and waiting, but months later, I did receive a free Dell Laptop. Peter made the remark that this was something typical of me, being an immigrant, still believing in the great opportunities of the United States of America, and that you can get things for free. BACK TO TUESDAY. I believe that there were some many immigrant contesting their ticket, because of the reason Peter gave me, after I received a FREE laptop: if you don't shoot, you will never hit, if you don't play, you will never win, etc. We, immigrants, still believe that there can be justice, and if you get a chance to argue your case, and let your voice be heard, you might have justice on your side. Well, it doesn't hurt trying...

"It's all about who you know"

That's what people always tell me on how to make it in Hollywood. I'm horrible at networking , but last week I was able to network with some one who has somekind of a reputation/name in Hollywood:

What an actor has to do...

Not so long ago, I walked into my agents office, and I received a comment that my tan was a very good look for me, because it gives me a multi ethnic look. So, yesterday I got the call for an audition today for a GAP/J Crew look, multi etnic, young dad commercial audition. One problem: the tan has been gone for some time now.

That's why i'm now sitting around waiting for my self tanning lotion to dry...

Construction

After a year and a half of wondering when they would demolition the building next door to where I live, they finally started last week, and they have now reached my front door. This is what it looks like:

What's wrong with this picture?

We all shop at the 99 Cents store, and if you don't, you should. So, a little contest: what's wrong with their plastic bags?

Create Awareness

In any way. Like this!

52,000 Thanks

I know I complain about my job many times, and that makes people think I hate my job. It's not that simple. I have one of the strangest, but most rewarding jobs ever. Even if I tell people about it, you still don't get it, unless you have done it. In short: I listen and index/catalogue testimonies on tape of survivors of the Holocaust in Dutch, English, Flemish and German. Testimonies are everywhere in between 25 minutes to 8 hours long, and they could be of concentration camps survivors, aid givers, liberators, Jewish survivors, Jehovah Witness survivors, Gypsy survivors, political opponent survivors and homosexual survivors. In one day at work I can laugh, cry, get frustrated, bored, and more. It's a exceptional experience, and I'm proud to be part of this historical video archive. Yes, I'm glad my last day will be December 23rd, because I honestly could not do this job for much longer. And to think that some people here are doing this job for 9 years.
Last night all employees of The Shoah Foundation were honored for all the work done over the last 12 years. 52,000 testimonies have been collected and so far almost 50,000 testimonies have been catalogued! A very formal party was given in our honor at a private estate in Beverly Hills, with open bar, excellent food, beautiful decorated, many familiar faces, and as special guest, the Founding Chairman, Steven Spielberg. There were speeched, photo opportunities, and after having had about 6 glasses of wine, I felt comfortable enough to walk up to Steven. I went over to his table, talked to two other board members who then wanted to introduce me to Steven. I had met Steven about 3 times before, but that was 2 years ago, and never on a personal level. Here I was face to face with one of my biggest hero's ever! I thanked him for his unbelievable initiative and funding of the The Shoah Foundation, and we talked about my work as a cataloguer and about acting. I gave him my card, and later on when Steven past by me, he greeted me with "my next actor". I don't expect anything to come from it, but at least I did it, and can have no regrets.
I met a fellow blogger  (yeah, they are everywhere), and he catalogued English testimonies for about 6 years! He now does what I'll be doing starting January, acting, and writing. Hopefully I will be as successful as he is.
When we left, we all received a little gift from Tiffany & Co., some last pictures were taken (some will follow later, and by 10pm I was home with a renewed proud feeling of what I do for a living.